Another year gone by, and what does it mean? Sad to say, pretty much nothing in the larger scheme of things. 'Course, that ain't gonna stop people from getting drunk and going around yelling, and I quote, "'APPY NEW YAAR!" to random other people on the street. And the cockneys think they've got the market cornered on unintelligible accents; they should come and have a talk with ma homies down in Gumidipundi.
No sir, I have nothing but the greatest respect for black peo-...did I say black? I mean coloured, of cour-argh.
Ah screw it, I'm probably the most politically incorrect person around, why do I try?
Looking back, it was quite the eventful year; boards, college, music...I guess it sort of marked the division point, ya know; an arbitrary line between school and college, teenager and adult(well, legally at least). Responsibilities looming large on yonder horizon and here I am still longing for those good ol' loafing days.
It's a bit scary to think of all that lies ahead now that I'm 18 and in college. It's even scarier to think that now I'm allowed to drive. Kiss that population problem goodbye. Told my dad I want a nice red car; he was relieved I didn't ask for black, until he asked me why red. My answer? So that the blood won't show.
...yeah, that didn't go down well in certain quarters...
Attended a bleedin' wedding recently; one of those affairs which attract Mallus from all over the world. As I stood there blinking like a deer caught in headlights, it felt like they were all descending on me and saying something along the lines of, "Remember me?"
Talk about bluffing and poker faces, I gotta be the champ; managed to end the evening without starting off any family feuds and in possession of all my limbs, if not my composure.
So anyway, I was introduced to all my nieces and nephews. Yes, the sad truth; due to some family mixup, I am in fact an uncle; and was forced to behave as such while the little buggers went insane all around me. Note : When I say 'little', that ain't always correct. The wedding I was attending? Yeah, one of my nieces was getting married. Given it was in the last days of the Year of the Rabbit, but I have a sinking sensation I'm gonna be a grand-uncle soon. Why me?
I'm not cut out for unclehood. Being surrounded by tiny blokes, all looking up to me as if I'm some respectable fellow...it scars a loafer deeply, that sort of thing.
And then I'm dragged all over town by my dad in his neverending quest to discover the best banana chips in Kerala. Quite a task, you might say? Indeed. Personally, I think he just wants an excuse to go around buying the bloody things by the bagful and dumping them all on me to lug around. But anyway, my dad asked this wizened old man in a lungi outside the hotel where the best chips could be found.
And he said, "Aye, there be a place you can go...but the road is long and hard, and many have given up; but if ye have the courage to go down that road fully, aye, your prize shall be the best banana chips in all o' bonny Kerala!"
My dad's eyes glazed over, as if he'd seen Paradise, and it was left to me to intimate that a few more details would not go amiss.
"Do ye ken a path known to some as Kunnur Road?"
Yes, my dad cried excitedly, I know Kunnur Road!
"Once ye be on Kunnur Road, ye must set your feet southwards, past the coconut tree with the inebriated fool singing "I Believe I Can Fly" in its branches..."
Yes, yes, go on, my dad urged him.
"...past the group of BLTs (Bunions, Lungis and Toddy)..."
My dad looked like he'd have a heart attack if the bugger didn't get on with it.
"...and at the very end of Kunnur Road lies the establishment you seek...come closer, I dare not speak the name above a whisper...it be called Kumari Banana Chips."
Great, my dad said excitedly, and rushed off to fetch the car.
The old man looked at me and said, "There be one thing you need to know afore ye go...it's guarded by a terrible beast out of legend, a beast that-" and the wizened old man in a lungi keeled over dead.
(Upon reflection, I have come to conclude that the bloke had had too much toddy and had finally decided it was time for the quintessential Mallu afternoon siesta; but hell, it's more dramatic this way, and plus he looked like he'd been dead for quite a while anyhow.)
So, after hours of mindnumbing boredom, we found the coconut tree with attendant inebriated fool, not singing any longer as someone had mistaken his head for...well, for something to throw big, heavy things at. We had a little trouble with the BLTs, as they were pretty much everywhere , but we forged on nonetheless. And finally, the sign appeared, like sweet water to our parched eyes.
Kumari Banana Chips
Kunnur Road, Kozhikode
So finally, at the end of the day, my dad got his banana chips and I...well, got bored as all hell.
Oh, and the 'legendary beast' turned out to be the bouncer of the establishment; although in the old man's defense, he did look as if he had come down out of the trees only a short while ago. And the only thing legendary about him was the bloody smell.
And after all that, I'm notified that my berth in the train is a bleedin' upper berth. So I'm making like King bloody Kong while this annoying little kid thinks its funny to yank on my leg and my mother is cheerfully and loudly enumerating the various things I'm doing wrong and the countless ways I could die; just about the only thing she wasn't doing was placing bets on the likelihood of my imminent demise, or maybe my dad was doing that.
Sigh.
Well, at least the bleedin' banana chips were worth it.